Tami Roman’s Vulnerable Parenting Moment Was As Uncomfortable As It Was Transparent

Uncomfortable as it was to watch, I appreciated the transparency shared between Tami Roman and her daughter, Jazz Anderson, on a recent episode of “The Burress Banter,” a new podcast from mother-daughter duo Kandi and Riley Burress. 

And although the transparency was refreshing, it did leave me even more worried for all the Black children with any affiliation with the alphabet gang who struggle with receiving acceptance from their parents.

In the final thirty minutes of the interview, Kandi read a submitted question from a viewer, a young woman, seeking advice in the aftermath of her coming out as bisexual to her mother, who she says met the news with silence and changed the subject entirely. 

Tami’s response started fine, explaining that the parent and the child each need to be ready to have that kind of conversation – cautioning that some parents need a little more time to process the information, noting, along with Jazz, that grace should be extended to parents even if they aren’t immediately supportive. 

Yet it got more personal as Tami went on to share how she wasn’t immediately supportive of Jazz, who is bisexual. However, she argued it had more to do with her disliking the particular woman Jazz dated at the time – growing tired of playing therapist to them.  Jazz agreed with her mom’s assessment about her involvement, though she noticeably quipped that her mom never likes anyone she’s dating.

Then came the revelation that Tami did not allow Jazz’s current girlfriend to attend her recent college graduation ceremony.

When Kandi pressed Tami on the exclusion, Tami answered honestly. 

“There’s something called confirmation bias. And when people think like you, think or appear to be how you are, you’re more drawn to those types of people. So, my daughter is a heterosexual female. Confirmation bias allows me to accept whatever situation she’s presenting, versus not really understanding this moment. And so I got to take a step back and figure out how it works for me and how I can be comfortable in that moment because there’s something called mental health that we have to be concerned about, and I got to be concerned about mine Even though I’m trying to walk with her and love her, I still got to do what’s right for me as well.”

Kandi said, “OK, but you’re not graduating. She is.”

Tami continued,  “I’m not going to make myself feel uncomfortable in any phase of my life. I am 55 years old. I’m not doing it. And what I say about this moment is this girl just f*cking got here.”

“I’ve been here your entire life. So, I don’t know if sharing this moment and me trying to adapt and make you comfortable in a situation I’m uncomfortable in, and acclimate to what you want to happen, and she not sharing this moment with her, and she not going to be here for a month. I don’t know. So, I’m not going to do it to myself. So, she cannot come, and I stand 10 toes down.”

Not to be pedantic, but this is not how confirmation bias works. Confirmation bias refers to seeking information that confirms existing beliefs—not, as Tami suggests, naturally gravitating toward people similar to yourself. This sounds more like a measured but roundabout way of saying they love their kid, but they’re not used to/with all that gay s**t – presumably the gender presentation of some of the women in question.

As for the notion that it’s not the same gender loving thing, it’s the person in particular — this is a new person, who may be relatively new to Jazz’s life, but based on her words, makes her quite happy, so what is the issue again? Especially when Tami also shares that she’s never had issues when her other daughter, the straight one, brought men she hadn’t been dating that long around.

Oftentimes, in mass media, we see stories of coming out largely in the context of complete acceptance or the polar opposite of parents, but not enough about the gray areas many exist in cases like Jazz and Tami, where there is love and communication, but because of Tami’s struggling acceptance, an obvious strain.

Tami does not want to be made to feel uncomfortable by anyone, including her child, and while that is her right, it comes at the expense of her relationship with said child. Much as each child should appreciate the sacrifices made by their mother, when you say “I’ve been here your entire life,” it suggests parental sacrifice entitles her to prioritize her comfort over her daughter’s milestone. 

I wrote an entire book about my experiences dealing with that type of problem, and while every case is different, for Jazz and others like her in this predicament, I hope they can find a peaceful resolution, whatever that looks like in each scenario.

This is not to say I find Tami Roman to be some raging homophobe. Based on her language, that’s not exactly the case. She’s struggling with acceptance, yes, and is willing to be honest about it in ways most are not – certainly not in public spaces anyway.

Even so, there’s a whiff of homophobic undertones in the language used in this interview, and more importantly, a selfishness that tends to thwart people from overcoming prejudice and bias.

And ultimately, even if a casual interview between famous moms and their offspring, it’s another reminder to me of how noticeably more open public figures are being about their anti-LGBTQ biases. 

Snoop Dogg may have found a way out of controversy after complaining about gay cartoon characters, but not everyone will easily move on. 

This Tami interview in particular recalls a similar situation that happened when  NeNe Leakes conducted with TS Madison earlier this year on “The NeNe Leakes Show”  — in that NeNe is free to have her preference – in this context, not wanting to date men who date trans women – but how she spoke of trans women to a trans woman was disappointing.

Tami has previously sought advice from TS Madison on how to accept her daughter’s bisexuality completely, but where I can at least applaud her for trying to figure it out, I commend Maddie and Kandi for hearing any strain of LGBTQ-bias and challenging it. 

If more want to be vocal about how they don’t treat queer and trans people equally, the more we need others to push back – politely and otherwise.   

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